I chose adoption when I was nineteen years old and even at that age, I was pretty confident in my decision to place my firstborn with the couple I had chosen. I was also confident that I was going to be able to follow through with my decision without any repercussions.
I was clueless.
At that point in my life, I didn’t talk to many people about the birthing process because I didn’t have many people in my life who A) knew I was pregnant or B) had experienced birth. I didn’t have friends with babies and my parents adopted me so I had nobody to tell me how a baby really changes things.
The day I went into labor, I was pretty calm. I expected to feel a wave of sadness because she was no longer safe in my belly, but once I started having contractions I wanted her to be okay and I wanted the pain to go away.
I had my daughter very fast. Like, left my parents at 6:30 for the hospital and delivered her shortly before 8:00 fast.
It didn’t hit me how much she truly meant to me until the moment I held her in my arms. I had never seen a more beautiful and perfect human being. It was overwhelming.
I didn’t know I was capable of having so much love for another person!
I mean, the love overflowing from inside of me was almost too much to bear. Holding her felt like I was literally holding my heart outside of my body.
I spent the weekend we were in the hospital on cloud nine. As relatives and friends came and went, I relished in showing her off. I had never been so proud of anything. I smiled, I laughed, I was never alone. I had one visitor after another and with every person that arrived, I felt more like a mom.
Except that I wasn’t. Not really. So when it was time to say goodbye, I was shattered.
As I stood on the sidewalk in front of the hospital, I watched my heart get into the back seat of a car and leave me and I died inside.
I was broken. I was empty.
As you may now by now, my relationship with her didn’t cease to exist and I am a huge advocate for adoption. With that being said, I have never and I will never tell a mother that choosing adoption is easy. It isn’t.
Do I regret it? No. Has it been worth it? Yes.
She is worth going to Hell and back and I would do it again for her in a heartbeat.
But the day I said goodbye to a child I held in my body for those nine months…there are no words for the soul-crushing emotion that consumed me.
I felt like I no longer existed and I didn’t want to. I felt like nothing without her.
Letting her go was by far, the most painful experience of my life and even if I had been able to talk about birth and the way babies change things, nobody could have prepared me for that.
Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!
New to linking up? We’d love to have you join us, here’s how.